Hearts and Thoughts They Fade, Fade Away

For anyone who wonders where I have gone, I've started posting on myspace. I know, it makes me a little ill with myself but what can you do? My sister had an account and Chelsea had an account and now Natasha... and they all bugged me to join. Except Chelsea. She didn't really care. So, my myspace is www.myspace.com/violettajulietta . Enjoy.

All a's!!!! GO ME!

Ok... so, I've finished this semester. It's going to be an interesting experience next semester. I'm hoping for the same goodness to continue.
I still miss Laura but I've made some friends. Hug to Richelle and Natasha, my buddies. Shirlene is still my bestest friend.


I'll update when I figure out what my grades are. :)

J

Oh woe, shall I never see an 'A' lest it be in a class of vulgar words and childish peers? I pray at night, to what withered angel guards the gate to enlightenment that he should grant a kiss of inspiration upon my furrowed brow so should it burn past skin and beneath the living ivory. Oh come to me, my muse of pulse and bone, and feed my fevered mind. Let it not want of knowledge, let the cup forever be full of blood, of cells, of the strange language foreign to me even now.


Vacation: Atlanta's a fun town. Meg is of course lovely and Jenny was cool to hang out with... we went to a place called LaLuna (tapas and drinks only). Meg drove me a bit nuts there for awhile but overall, I had a great time.
-Aquarium!!!! SEA OTTERS!!!! Beluga whales were so cute too.
- Five points shopping district was... fun but despite the fun, the kind of artsy fartsy place that exists in every big city.
-Top of the westin hotel! It revolved and we had drinks. Very expensive drinks. However, the view was TOTALLY cool.
-Hotel Indigo was very neat. I enjoyed it. It's really pretty inside (blue, orange and green)
-I flew in business executive class. It was very very very comfortable. I firmly suggest it to anyone who is considering flying AirTran.

Class: Apparently I'm the class clown in world lit. How the hell did that happen? I think it's just because I'm the only person who talks so at least a third of my jokes which makes me seem funny by comparison since no one else is even trying. Oh, and I did not do very well on my Science test. I studied but I should have locked myself in the library instead of fun-study with Tim and Amanda. From now on, I will NEVER let socializing get in the way. Oh, and that's what my little free verse was about.

Everything else: There is nothing else. I haven't been home in days, I haven't talked to anyone in days. I'm so out of the loop. I kinda want to get in touch with people tonight but mostly I want to sleep a lot. I think sleep will win out. And I have two papers to write tomorrow. And an outline to write. And I might have more homework, I haven't even been to math yet. And I don't know if I'm working tomorrow. That's the big thing.

J from Jalanta

We all have a physical double in the world. They may not look exactly like us, but there are enough similarities involving face shape, coloring, the way they hold their head, that the overall effect is uncanny. My question, to those who are as mal-adjusted as me, is do we pick the same person over and over again, with a few minor alterations, until one of them is just right?

Let's equate this to porridge. The three bears had the same bowl of porridge at different temperatures. That was really the only difference. Goldielocks just had to find the porridge that didn't make her tongue burn off but still warmed her belly. Are we all just going through different temperatures of the same porridge? Remember, I'm asking this of the less mature, less together, etc of the crowd. Because I know Laura and possibly Amanda would deny ever doing this, blah blah blah yadda yadda. However, a subset of my friends do this, as do I. I know I'm sad. I know I have a problem... but is it possible to stop? Do I really have to stop? Is having a 'type' and tweaking the traits I didn't like a negative thing or is it just the way I work? Today I saw a boy walking to class. I found him attractive and was tempted to go up to him and introduce myself. He could be insane. He could be a psycho-killer. He could end up locking me in a closet, forcing me to eat coconut and making me write bad checks. I don't know. My only reason for feeling like I -want- to make an effort is that he's my type of porridge and who knows, he might be the right temperature.

I've tried to date out of my type. I've tried to... oh, say, have grapefruit for breakfast instead of porridge. Grapefruit is low in calories AND rich in vitamin c. It's always ended badly because in the end, it just doesn't taste good to me. I know I -should- try to branch out but porridge seems to be the only thing that floats my boat. Even if the original porridge that I'm trying to tweak was... an ass. And if I do find porridge that is perfect, should I be embarassed if the old porridge and the new porridge meet each other and realize that physically, they look similar... you can't tell temperature by looking at something, you know.

I've killed the porridge metaphor.

Questions, comments, I'd love to hear what you guys think on the matter.

Classes: They've gone well so far, expect my car almost exploded and I missed a part of my world lit. Eh. It's leaking gas. I almost typed that it was leaking ass. Now that would be interesting.

Friends: I haven't heard from Laura even though we were supposed to hang out yesterday. Amanda hasn't called me either. I got ditched by my study group. I did, however, talk to Shane Mosher (good point). Even though we sit side by side he didn't know my name or remember me (bad point).

Car: Defunked

Now I'm going to go see if my study group showed up. If not, I'm boycotting friends. Be warned. Even Sara Green, who had promise as a kindred sense of humor.

Jemlicious

Answer: I think so... but according to what my teacher thinks... . I said that different ways of thinking was perhaps the main cause of fighting and war in all of history, with land/resources being a close second. My teacher went on some unrelated rant in response and I don't really know if he was with me or against me. The rest of the class reserved judgement, but for one girl who was against me and one guy who was for me. It seemed like everyone was scared. Why is everyone scared of voicing a fucking opinion in these classes? These teachers are not going to bite. Worst case is they'll disagree, or be asses and make fun of you. Neither is too terrible.

Classes: Read above.

Random musings: Cell phones are the great dividers. What a wonderful way to appear as though you're not walking alone without a single friend in sight. Just pick up your handy dandy cell phone and pretend to text someone, actually text someone, call your mother, etc. It doesn't matter as long as you don't appear lonely.
Of course, this means you never meet someone new because you're too busy trying to look busy and popular. Of course, this means you're actually incredibly self-concious, instead of breezy and casual as you want everyone to think. Cell phones are the new 'ever-present-book' that the table of one reads while they eat. They are the new 'I'm studying and need complete silence,' while sitting in the student complex.
This terrible disorder of manners is spilling into the lives of adults. Walmarts are no longer safe from the obnoxious ringtones, desks in office buildings vibrate with the enthusiasm of compatriots sitting two seats over screeching "Where you at...." The worst catch phrase in the world, wazzaaaaaaup, pales in the sickly, terrific awfulness of gramatical nightmare. If a coworker ever used that on me, I would answer 'Right next to you, dumbass and promptly throw the damn vibrating phone at them.' Actually, I hope someone does do that to me someday, so I can try that out.


Boys: Nothing to tell, thank god.

Work: On Vaca. Go me.

J

Went shopping between classes. Bought shoes, perfume and sheets. Sold my soul. Spent my paycheck.

Classes themselves:
Teacher asked, "Isn't it a wonderful day to be in class? Can anyone imagine a better place to be on a Friday afternoon?" (rhetorical)
I answered, in a rather loud voice, "The beach." (spoke before I thought)
Scattered laughter occured.
Slight chance of a reduced grade.

Apparently the class I missed had started to actually do something. Terrifying. And I missed it! Fortunately, no one else picked up on the fact that an assignment was given so I have a bit of an extension.

No math. Hullah.

Bio is coming next. I know it's going to be a lecture. I have my metadate ready just in case I get drowsy.

Boy update: Mild interest in Mosher is mushed. He's boring and not nearly tall enough. That was the quickest crush I've had since I was thirteen years old.

Other interesting facts: Played with a poodle puppy named Mya. She looks like a very lil Loco. I love her. I refuse to buy her though. Even though she's like... way less than tuition was. That was the only store I did not buy something in. ER... besides JC penny. They had some skanky looking dresses. Really, if you get a chance you should check it out. There was a whole section of beige underlay, black lace cocktail whore dresses.

Friend Outlook: Rain all weekend. Laura's out of town. The rain is my tears. However, parents are taking me to Norfolk, where I plan to get properly toasted at a fancy restaurant.

If I had a boyfriend who was my age, he probably wouldn't be able to spoil me as my father does... I don't know. I think I'd rather have the mum and dad right now. They let me do homework and don't expect me to shave my legs everyday.

Birthdays coming up: My SiSTA, Amanda, Laura, Mary, Shirlene, Renee.

Do you all feel properly chatted up? Good, because I expect you to put out.

J

News for today: It's not raining. Yet. I finished writing my paper just in time only to find out that he put an extension on it thanks to the canceling of school on friday. Awwww nuts. I'm waiting to go to biology class. I hope we're having a test or something. More lecture just might kill me.

Notes for today: Wine with lunch seems like a good idea until you have to sit through several classes and stay awake at the same time. I really need to make sure to ask if something has coconut in it BEFORE I order it. Not all pecan pie is made equal, or the same. See above about the wine.

Book review for today: Got a new book. It's a trashy romance involving magic. I feel dirty for reading it. On the funny side, it's signed so if it ever gets too bad I have proof that someone had to be worse off--they wrote the tripe... Men with golden eyes and long hair pulled back with a leather tie do not exist in Elizabeth City. If they do, they are in fact hiding behind magical doors or they have some other horrible disfigurement. Like a girlfriend.

School review for today: Traffic was awful so I missed my first class. I need to start leaving for class much earlier. Teacher saw me later and pointed out that I'd been ditching class. Wanted to die. Didn't die. Not that lucky. She made a crack about how I was at the bar drinking martinis. Was just after my glass of wine. She was not far off.

Boy review for today: See above about lack of my type in EC. Should move to OC. Then I'd have to get PS and HE. And SS and HHs. If you understand what I just said, you R.


J

Two days left until orientation. Then I'll know my life for the next few months at least. I'm all jittery. Laundry helps though. On a good note, I found something I've been looking for in the attic for several years. I didn't find it in the attic though, which makes me wonder what else I've been wasting my time looking for in the wrong place.

J

Only one more week. And then I'll be burning the candle at both ends. And actually moving in any direction. I'm beyond excited. And terrified.

Blah. But today I have to work. After last night I wish that all the guests in the universe would just disappear, but I don't have power like that. Damn.

Good note: Hanging out with Laura tonight. Someone my own age!

Bad note: I have to make it through first shift first. And my shoes are shot. Shit! I need to search for my other shoes!

J

Isn't it funny that when you can't sleep you start coming up with the weirdest activities to keep yourself busy? -I- got on yahoo personals somehow and guess what, I already had a profile. *snicker* I used said profile to look to see if anyone we know is looking for a date. Anyone remember Tread from HS?

Ok, well, enough laughing about that. You can officially start laughing at me because I spent the next twenty minutes updating my profile with pictures and a new little blurb about what I want in a relationship. Shoot me now. I need to be put down.

Of course, while writing down what my time constraints are and how much I can really give to a relationship (in the blurb) I discovered that I really don't have any time at all. Of course, I couldn't say that. That would be like... yeah, I just did this for twenty minutes and now I realize that I don't need any of you.

Now I have to go to bed. I have to work unusually early tomorrow and if I'm to get this thing down about going to work and school at the same time, I need to start getting on a regular schedule.


Mood Music-----AWAY!!

Shirlene and I did have a great time at the aquarium. We took some pictures on mom's new camera. Whatcha think?








It's a good lil camera. Amanda, thank you for the birthday wishes :)


J

Happy Birthday to me
I'll go make some tea
I smell like a cherry
Happy Birthday to me!

In case you didn't guess, it's my birthday. *waits patiently for the well-wishes*

:) 24 years ago today, my mother was in incredible pain as an icky, chicken-legged bloody version of myself made it's first appearance. Go childbirth!!

J

I was 21 years when I wrote this song
I'm 23 now but I won't be for long
Time hurries on...
And the leaves that are green turn to brown

And they wither with the wind
And they crumble in your hand

Hello Hello Hello Hello
Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye
That's all there is...
And the leaves that are green turn to brown



*sniff* I feel old.

J

Last night I got to thinking about my hermit crab.

Let me give you a little back story. I wasn't allowed a hermit crab when I was a little girl, nor was I allowed anything in the rodent family. Not because I would have killed it or something, I'm not crazy. Because my parents don't like rodents and didn't much care for the idea of trying to explain how my hermit crab 'went to heaven' two days after bringing it home. They hadn't had the best luck with goldfish from the state fair, you see. Of course this made me want one of each as I got older.
When I was living in Iowa, I got a guinea pig. The guinea pig was a bit of a disaster from the beginning, as I had my heart set on a girl and noticed very quickly that she was developing enormous balls. Plus, he was unpredictable. Very unpredictable. And despite the fact that they are supposed to be cuddly, my guinea pig kept getting weird skin disorders that required trips to the vet and expensive salves that made him smell like a mixture of wet dog and menthol. When I left Iowa, my parents didn't want me to bring Jasper. I didn't fight too hard with them on this one.
On this most recent trip to Virginia Beach, I purchased a hermit crab. Actually, to clarify my mother purchased me a hermit crab, since I now understand what it means to have a pet die and she wouldn't get stuck taking care of it. Hermia (for short) is a nice little creature. Active, spirited, full of life-zest (especially for someone who is missing half a back leg, I would assume an accident in the 'big cage'). But as I review the behavior during my purchase of it, I can only assume that from the very beginning, I was doomed to be the most over-involved hermit crab owner in the world.
It started with me entering the store. Like always, I was speaking in my overly loud 'everyone finds me interesting but I don't know I'm showing off' voice and after a quick tour of the basic touristy stuff, my mother and I got to the subject at hand. I said to my mother 'I want a hermit crab.' This is important because it sets the tone for the interaction which would come next, as the salesperson (a little old lady) was standing nearby and listening.
'Well, go tell the lady you want a hermit crab,' said my mother. I nodded and went to the front desk.
'I would like to buy a hermit crab, please,' I said. I felt nervous and a bit stupid. I -am- 23, you know. It's not really 'cool' to buy little crabby whatnots at that age.
'Sure, ok, first thing you'll need is a cage,' said the lady, looking at me kindly. She pointed towards a variety of cages, some bigger and some smaller. After picking out one, I held it up and glanced back at my mom.
'Mom, can I have some money?' First mistake. See, if I'd had my purse, this wouldn't have looked so silly. But... all I had was the room key since I hadn't expected to come shopping so early.
'Alright, here you go,' said Mom. She was very giving this whole trip and handing me the money for the little creature.
Next came the picking out of the hermit crab. I listened to what you needed to look for, it took me a very long time to pick one out... another mistake. Finally, I was ready to check out. I looked at the woman and asked, 'Should I buy hermit crab food?'
'Oh... well, it'll actually be better for them to just have a little chopped carrot and lettuce in that food dish shell, just a pinch every morning. I know you're going to take good care of it.'
Embarassed by my question of buying store-prepared hermit crab food (gasp), I nodded dumbly and paid the lady. With as much dignity left, my mom and I went back to the hotel.

Thoughts: Why is it that everyone else in the world gets to feed their hermit crab little hermit crab pellets that cost five bucks but now I'm too embarassed to feed Hermia the 'store-bought stuff' since it's not as good for them? Why was the salesperson acting so funny? Am I going to have to get braces for Hermia? Send it to college?

My mother's thoughts: (they don't make me feel better, btw) She thinks that the lady who was helping me thought I was a little slow and perhaps this was the first pet I was being allowed to take care of. That it would give me a sense of accomplishment to take good care of my pet hermit crab. That's terrible... and I think my mom's right, now that I've had a couple of days to review the past. I think that the lady thought I was a bit touched in the head.

For the record, I just wanted an f-ing hermit crab. And I didn't have my purse. And I have a hard time making decisions about animals to take home. And I didn't want to kill a creature put in my care because I opted to buy the store bought pellets of food, instead of spending a few minutes chopping up some carrots.

However... maybe I should remove the 'cross-eyed' picture from my icon on this site. Now that makes me look retarded.

J

While I post this, let me take a few pauses occasionally for reflection and thought... and to spit and rinse as I am also brushing my teeth. I had a fab time in Virginia Beach, despite the busy bustling atmosphere and lame traffic. Although, I guess it's not like I don't deal with traffic anyway. I got a pet (hermit crab named Hermaphrodite) and a little color, although I must say Monday wasn't really beach weather. And now I'm almost ready to go back to work.

Things I did that I'm glad we got to:
Walking around Va beach at night, with all the tourists.
Getting a hermit crab.
Playing in the arcade.
Harborfest, even if it was the last day.
Staying in an oceanfront hotel.
Spending time with my mom.

Things I want to go back to Va beach to experience:
The aquarium. Mom didn't want to go. So sad! There was a picture of a sea otter that looked just like loco.
A full day of beach fun.
Riding down the boardwalk in one of those silly bike buggy things.
Buying a skin board and not face-planting (I could try that one here, though).

Things that I could miss the next time I go to Va Beach:
Olive garden (fun and tasty but too expensive for me to justify it without a gift certificate).
Lynnhaven Mall. It's a mall. Who cares about a mall?
A nap. At the time I felt like I wanted one, but I think it was a waste now that I'm not in Va beach with an opportunity for fun.
Drinking. A few drinks at lunch on top of the pasta just made me want to nap. See above for the napping issue.
Did I say Lynnhaven mall? Oh, I did.

Ok, so, that's my update on my fabulous time.

Thank you Mom for staying with me, thank you Laura and dad for coming to Harborfest.

Laura, I've never seen someone eat that many cheese fries. You are my hero.

J

I'm in a rotten mood, if you can't tell by the first line of this charming update. I've really had just a hell of a day, one that makes you wonder why you were placed on the Earth if you were apparently so stupid and useless as to have people yell at you and curse you out all day. None of the 'regulars' at my workplace respect me. I hate them, blah. And when I tried to do some good, help an animal that I thought had been abandoned in the parking lot, this prick who had made his dog sit outside his van while he was having sex with his girlfriend in the backseat called me a bitch and a whore. Jesus. He said I was 'trying to steal his dog.' Worse off, he works at keepers so the bastard might try to do this again or bitch about the HI or some shit. I mean, think about it... does it make sense to have sex with your girlfriend in the parking lot behind your workplace, parked in a van, with your puppy hanging out unsupervised in the road during BROAD DAYLIGHT in the middle of the SEASON when people whip around that parking lot like it's a race track. And to top it all off, leaving your animal no water and no shade so the poor thing has to climb under the car to stop from having heat exhaustion?! I hate this ass. And then he yells at me in front of the concerned guests who brought me out to help the dog in the first place. Jerk off. I hope that someone takes his dog away from him. And then I hope he gets fired and comes down with a terrible case of disfiguring herpes on both his mouth and his penis. Would serve him right.

Other things suck right now, but I'm not going to get into them because it's really not fucking worth it. I miss Laura, I have no one to talk to that I can talk to and I hate my continuing relationships with the male part of the species. And for the time being, I've deleted aim, under the concept of 'if you can't say anything nice (to ANYBODY) don't say anything at all.' Since I know I would break down and im people eventually, I figured by deleting it, I'm getting rid of my temptation at least until I can control my temper.

Why does everything in life have to be so dramatic. God, I wish that all the people from my class who said I was too perky could see me on a normal day.

J

There's a change coming. I can feel it all around me. My peers are moving into different stages, one moving towards being coupled, the other moving towards adventure. And I seem to have found my own direction, education and career being my main goals. The three are so different and so far from where I imagined each of us would go. The concept is unsettling but I understand my lack of control. We're just living and this is where life is taking us. How strange.

I really did believe, despite all my protest and against all my personal odds, that I would be the first to marry, have children, etc. Now, I'm almost as certain this will not be the case. In fact, I believe I'll be the last, if at all. The most odd thing about this is that I simply couldn't be more comfortable. Of course, there will be days when I'll bemoan my choices and what not, but on the whole, I think I will be quite content with my path and my journey upon it. Who'd have thought it?

Another thought... I've been thinking up names to name my children since I was really old enough to have a doll baby. Now I'm amused at the idea that I'll either have to have many pets in my lifetime or simply let the names rest in the past and move on.


J

I hate this livejournal name
really and truly.
I really must say that I need to learn the art of letting go. Unlike my dear friend Laura, who I feel I vicariously live through on a regular basis, there are people who I ache to hear from again but would hate to hear from again. Basically everyone. And I also can't rock a yellow leather purse. Go her.
Whenever I get involved with a previous friend, things are ok in the beginning. Then they go downhill. I don't really know why but it probably has something to do with the reasons I stopped talking to them in the first place. First I get ick, actually my feelings about them get ick. That's not a new catch phrase, it's actually an ally mcbealism from the dark ages of high school, but before that, it was a disease which would often make quick work of my fish growing up. The flesh is actually eaten away, leaving the poor dead swimmer unable to aswim any amore.
Ick is coming on me and I really don't have time for it this time. And I won't have time for it this time. When the swimmer stops swimming, it's just getting flushed, no kind words. Hopefully I'll get some play though, before it goes that far.


j